The Joy of Dreaming

It has been a long time since I last dreamt about the future.. More like it’s been a long time since I allowed myself to dream because at the mere thought of it, I’d cast it away and just focus on the NOW.

Lately I caught myself dreaming, planning, smiling to myself at the dreams I have come up with. This did not happen overnight, it took a few conversations and lesson learned as well as many many days. As this post goes up online, it has been about 2 months since the last I blogged.

And in these past 2 months, much has changed, I’m going through another transition period even as this day passes. Excited yet scared at the same time. But I dream, I dream of a better future for myself. I dream of being an influence-r. I dream of a crazy-laughing-unadulterated-joy-bigger-2.0 family (God know what that means for you. LOL). I dream of the family I’m going to have.

I dream of holidays with loved ones. I dream of the freedom. I dream of the little ones I could one day nurture and carry. As of now, I only dream..

At the same time, I let go of those dreams for God to bring them to life if He so chooses.

As I pack up and go, this will be the very last time I’m blogging at this hour. 

 

Social relations

Events stick to you, good or bad, enjoyable or a bore. It keeps you thinking. Events I enjoy or had a horrible experience with will keep replaying in my mind and it either gets me into a good mood or a rather crappy one.

This past weekend was surprisingly stressful yet ended on a good note. Easter presentation practices are underway. Decided to just allow God to work in terms of teaching for one or two more times. Not too sure how am I going to pull it off but am trusting. Shared the joy of the wonders of unlimited broadband and movies, how easy it is to watch in the comfort of home. Stressed about how to pull off a special number and it was quite difficult to obtain a nice sound as the ensemble was 2 people less. Lunch and catch up with the best friend. Stressed and turned red as tomato when I led in a song for practice. Headed home and felt even more tired after a nap. Stressed as I drove in the new car. Sat at a table full of unknown people. Relaxed as Karl was with me the whole time.

Met a really nice couple. Met Michelle, the bride for the night. Seems like a nice young lady. Beautiful bride. Met Pei Yin, a lecturer in Taylors. The night ended rather nicely. More like I enjoyed the conversations I had with Karl throughout the night, in the midst of dinner, in the car ride home. Despite not knowing anyone (for me), I managed to survive a social outing.

Either way, I tend to shy away from social events lately. I prefer the comfort of familiarity. How many times did we have to choose between something social or just to be on your own. The world is huge and I’m more or less a speck in it. Some may think that there’s so much to explore. Some will just be content, albeit the occasional travelling, travelling to see the bigger outer world.

Been thinking whether was I a real social butterfly or was I just still a caterpillar masking to be a butterfly. Certain people I have met have taken back what they have given (though not literally). Been feeling left out and it is helping me feel again, helping me work through the different emotions I am left with. I still haven’t got to looking for a counselor. I just need to document things and how I feel.

Anyway, back to socializing, I won’t shun away. Been meeting people lately. Been making it a point to plan with certain ones. Things always turn out for the better  

 

Technically, what happened?

I saw a picture of green helium balloons and that got me thinking. It was 2 years back, mid year when I went and sat at a meeting. It was to share the visions of a new concept for a ministry. I was part of that ministry as a singer and as a leader. I saw that change as something that would bring the youth up, out of the miry clay that was slowly covering all that we have worked on.

Maybe at that time, I thought that we were in a place that was not as good as the past years. So change is good is it not? Change would bring a fresh start for something better? Maybe not..

Then all of a sudden, last year. The group of people who talked about being a family themselves dissolved. There they were asking us to internalize their vision, encouraging us to be a family together and bringing more people into the family. But a year later, everything fell apart. and now some are struggling to stay afloat with the initial change, while the rest have taken up their own individual visions.

What happened? That is the question that swirled through my mind as I remembered that particular Saturday. Going home with a green helium balloon, that had a tag saying, “Dreams need some TLC(Tender, Loving, Care) too.”

I’m not saying it is anyone’s fault. I just thought that a change I supported for would make a better future. No use talking about what ifs.

Wish there was an explanation. It just seemed like it was easy for people to up and go. Maybe it was not but it does look like it.

Oh well… Off to something else.

*Photos are from the Light Leak series..

 

Travelling

*Photos are from the trip back to Muar and Perak over Chinese New Year*

Travelling seems to make me feel like I’m free to explore the world beyond the comfort of home. It is enhanced when I get to go to a nice place.. I remember spending ONE whole day by the beach and that was because it was just 5 minutes away from my room. There were no sessions I needed to go to. All I had was family, the beach, sun, sand and food. Getting sunburn was bad that particular time. Showering was excruciating that whole holiday but there was something nice about sitting there, swimming there, playing with the sand there, sitting my first Banana Boat with aunt,cousin, and the sister. Something that beckons me there again.From then on, Phuket will be some place I would attempt again the future.

Then there were the times spent with friends. Some how things are mostly rushing. We don’t normally laze around and just sit. We are constantly going from one shop to another. These are the food trips I have been to with friends. Spending about 17 hours of a day running around, eating or sitting rides.

However rare it was, I actually did manage a leisure stroll in Singapore with a new Korean friend on a Sunday. Having Ice cream and walking along the island of Sentosa. Nice memory.

The holiday I had in Penang was nice too. Because it was the first time I watched a movie OUTSIDE of the city of KL. I finally have 2 ticket stubs from Penang. Managed days of exercising and a few rounds of C&C 3 on the last night. More importantly it was the company. It was my first time going for a holiday with them.

Korea brings back fond memories too. Breaking down before heading into the gate and the travelling alone for 10 hours. Not exactly alone but I was sitting along in my row anyway. Everyone else were dispersed throughout the plane. I had the best time being in the room and being out with my friends for that one month.

I want to travel more if time permits. And I want to travel with people who are not rushing everywhere to see everything. I just want a stress free holiday. And I think I found a few Time to save up money and leave Travelling is something I look forward to

Do you?

 

 

They have a special place in my heart

I guess time changes things. I guess the past one year has bonded us as an LG in a different way other groups have. I see the original 10 that was together in lesson and food. With the addition of newer ones, they are still as crazy as ever. Even as the group grows, I can still see the original cheekiness and thoughts piercing through. Dynamics has changed but they are trying to breakout of the awkwardness of the new year and new addition of people. I can see that as I sit there the past few weeks.

They are ever so intent on listening about my ex-colleague who sleeps and the new joke Tab just brought up last week that got them all excited about. Hahaha. Well, I think after last weekend, I’ll definitely bring them along for that special day when it comes. They have made a home in my heart. I couldn’t help but smile now that I think of it again. Their eager faces and exclamations. Haha!

So my dear LG, although I’m not too sure if you’ll be seeing this, but all you people have a special place in my heart. And don’t worry, I want you guys to be there too when the time comes I love you guys. And whenever I’m not around on Saturdays, do know that all of you are in my thoughts. Now, I hope that ALL of you will continue to grow in the likeness of Jesus. I see different characteristics that resemble different parts of the Body. Keep caring and loving each other and also the people around you. I’m keeping you guys in prayer. Keep the JOY in all of you that I see permeate the room every weekend. Infect others with that JOY within you.

Love,
Belle

MY favourite ones..

 

Time to let go

While I sat at the Leaders Summit feeling just a bit out of place as the usual people were not around other than the younger ones and Tab, Sister spoke about writing down our struggles and putting them to the fire. She mentioned about worrying a lot and I can relate to that. I worry every single day about every single thing I have no control over. That itself shows how sidetracked I got over the past few years.

Truth be told, I have been running away. Truth be told, I am adamant in making myself believe that things are fine and dandy after a few rounds of apologizing. Truth be told, I go all out in making people like me. Truth be told, I turn into mush and hyperventilate when I *THINK* people don’t like me and are judging me. I could be true in thinking there were/still are talks behind. And I push them to the back of my mind every time my mind chances upon it. It’s like dirt I need to clean up after but dirt like these can never be cleaned up thoroughly since they do not belong to you hence I keep “scrubbing the surface” like I was some OCD person. That sometimes makes me annoying.

I’m giving myself time to process. I’m slowly fading out so that I can concentrate on finding that one place I can/have always counted on. To just be still and not worry. I don’t want to be busy doing damage control on the things I keep feeling bad about. I need to stop giving in to the different voices in my head. They should have no place in my life. NADA.

In the process of refueling. Must go through challenging hours first.

So, it’s time to let go so that I can refuel and well become a “Son”.. It’s time to let go and it is OKAY to feel left out. It is okay because I need to get better. I need to refuel. I need to get rid of the voices that condemn me and make me feel bad. I need to be okay with the fact that I’m allowed to make mistakes and learn.

and it’s comforting to know that there are those who still love me for who I am.

 

The 2nd New Year

So today is the second month of the year and much has happened the first one month. Chinese New Year has come and gone. Oh wait, there is still a few more days left but I’m back at work so there’s no difference to it. Maybe the occasional fireworks.

Much has happened the past few weeks into the new year. However, last week in itself was a flurry of things. All the travelling throughout Chinese New Year holidays, the weather and the kids. I was getting quite sick and tired of them when I went back to Johor. They shout, fight and then cry with one another. I can tell you, I’ve never been in a house with so many kids in the span of 2 days.

a mixture of cousin bro in law,a nephew, a niece and two cousins

The living room was literally their play room, all furnitures pushed to the walls.  I ended up staying in the room to read. Well, staying in the living room can bring on a headache. Oh, I caught up with my sister over movies, that’s a GREAT time spent

Then, things changed when I went to Teluk Intan. Met the most smiley baby in the form a nephew.. 

He is just adorable. Loves to be carried. Smiles when we play with him. There’s always this sparkle in his eyes when he smiles.

Had some good bonding sessions with my cousins. I guess why Manda and I had so much fun here is because our cousins here weren’t really bogged down by too many kids. Well, there was just one and we ALL coo-ed over to him willingly.. Heh.
Cousins, Manda and I had a great time shopping for steamboat ingredients, chatting over tea, laughing and screaming over SNAP! (just like old times, albeit the lack of people and the loss of one cousin)

Coming back to Teluk Intan has always made Manda and I happy, although we tend to fall sick after that.Heh. The past week was a fun filled one, though spotted with noisy kids, uncomfortable beds, and hot weather. Spending time with people like them will always be one of the highlights of the year.

Now that most have started working (except for Manda), there are ‘wars’ of settling the bill. It is the most hilarious thing ever and it shows how far we’ve come along.. Nice thought to it.. We grew up chasing each other, playing with sparklers and bee firecrackers(while it was still legal), getting upset and being friends again to now some married with kids, and others working. Even though we meet only once a year, it does not change things that much. We are still family

I’ll let the photos run now.. Can’t wait to pen the next post.

 Our own Durian Fest in Johor

Gangster nephew. He packs a punch tho small

 Cousin the chef chopping fish

Ren Zhe’s parents.. How cute!

Those with caps and hats

Sleeping by the beach

Hello there

Whee!

Pretty Manda

Cousin sister in law

<3

Guess who came to visit during the CNY week!

 

Now now, doesn’t this sound mighty familiar

The above quote reminds me about how God feels. the difference is HE has already met us.. that’s comforting to know rite?

I shall no longer publicize this place. I shall not depend so much on Facebook anymore. No longer people.. No longer having to explain myself.

How’s life currently? I’m living each day as it comes. Plans for the whole week if possible.. Stress at weird stuff.. Feel bad later on because I might have said something I didn’t mean..

Breaking down again left me tired and spent. I’m no where. I have not much. I can barely survive if I were the only one left. I’m mighty afraid when the time comes when I have to support myself. I want to do something that I can come home and say, “what an AWESOME day (although mighty stressed before night falls), i think tomorrow is going to be even better.” I want to find something that I will fall in love doing every day.

Still looking..

On a lighter note, I’m glad everyone is bonding. Makes things nicer.. LOL.. argh.. catching myself worry again.. enough i say enough.. Annabelle STOP worrying..

 

Life

Watching Grey’s Anatomy whilst eating lunch may not be a good idea..
Watching Private Practice whilst eating lunch may not be a wise choice either..
One puts me in a state of ‘horror’ (I’m not actually in horror.. heh) while I eat what ever I’m eating as doctors cut up trauma patients..
The other brings me to a place where I think and think and think..
Both causes tears to well up. Heh 

Life happens.. Life takes a toll.. Life is sweet at times.. and life is just life..

On hiatus

 

*flips page*

Chapter 1

Almost every blog I came across talked about how the past year went, what are their resolutions and what were, a summary, how they didn’t want to conform to what the blog community does on the 31st of Dec or the 1st of Jan and how they have strayed away from their resolutions the past year.

For me, Dec was a month on fast forward. Although there were times when the clock was just taking his own sweet time, I had barely anytime to sit and start penning my thoughts. Things were laid out one after the other and I got tired, then I got refreshed, then I got scared of the new year, then I got tired again and the cycle some how takes a long time to break.

So I had not much of a breather and I ended up in 2012. I would say that the most glorious things happened at the start of this year. I would say that watching stars, talking to a little cute kid

(he is the cutest thing ever, hiding behind me when strangers say hi.. hahaha! giving me a fist bump, being extremely shy because all the girls were gushing over to him), playing computer games with karl and having a run round the neighborhood brought a sense of accomplishment for the first day. I had my first oversleeping of the year too.. This is the second time already.. Shall not let it happen again..

So thus begins the first week of the first Chapter of 2012. Looking forward to see how this book will turn out.

Cheers and have a great year ahead

Random note: How do I see myself in 5 years time?